"What Love Really Means"

This song by JJ Heller brings such truth, and tears. I am blessed to have not only God's unconditional love in my life but some great family also. The past few days my Aunt's voice has rung in my head.....your Uncle Steve and I are so proud of you and who you have become, the values you hold. They have never looked down upon me nor given up on me, or become ashamed of me and my wrong choices. They have both fought for me and never excepted anything in return. Now as my Uncle fights the biggest and hardest battle of his life.....I feel helpless. I want to take his pain away. My aunt's pain, such a strong woman! She has had the weight of the world on her shoulders the past few years.

I have since the day the cancer was found wondered "WHY?". All those questions ran though my head! Oh God why him?, why this?, why now?. Then the ok God what do WE do to fix this questions started coming. I was (well still) just numb in complete disbelief. Then I turned to prayer just like any one of his children would do. My prayers where all around about the same. "Oh God hear our cries, hear our plead. I pray that your final report is different then the doctors." And more with about the same content. I had asked so many people to please pray. Not because I wanted people to just know my families issues, but I think prayer can and need to be done and by multiplying that I thought well our odds will increase!! Well we all know how that ended....... I began noticing that the more we needed prayer and asked for it, the more I felt we were being ignored and forgotten. MAN did that bitterness come QUICKLY! As my Uncle continued battling this ugly demon as I call it (cancer), I begin questioning more things in my life. Yep that is how it starts, one thing goes wrong and as humans we feel the need to blame someone. And sadly enough God usually is the one on the other end of that. And yes I am guilty of this as well as my family.

As the doctors came in to his hospital room on Thursday to paint a very grim and no option left news, my Uncle the one whom I love ohh so much had a brief moment of the one I knew and grew up with! He became real adamant that he was going to fight this!!!! He was going to keep his appointment for this Wednesday in Houston at MD Anderson and come up with an option. He is determined, and his will to fight reminded me of some things. One is that the final doctor's report is GOD"S REPORT! And if my uncle could be so passionate in his fight to live longer then how could I not keep my fight to spiritually live! I as a human do not have to understand the events in my life, I just have to have enough faith and trust in GOD to know that he loves us. That as long as we are faithful to him and follow his will for our lives we will be ok. I am no where near where God wants me! But I am going to fight the same fight to live! Just please continue praying for my family in this time.

Thanks!

This is a verse from a song that I found, it's:
I Know You Now by 4HIM

looked at faith, I almost walked away
But I looked again
I found the nerve to close my eyes and say the words
To ask You in
And I heard no heavenly choir
No angels in white attire
I got no amazing super human omnipresent power but

JJ Heller - What Love Really Means (Official Music Video)

Loralei's first Halloween

Loralei was a ladybug, which seemed to fit her pretty good since I call her my little ladybug. And Marissa was a butterfly, thanks to Aunt Nessa for letting us borrow the tutu and wings! The girls seemed to have a good time between going to church last night and going to a few houses that we knew after hitting up a church in our neighborhood who did something called Trunk R Treat. Which I have to say is a pretty good idea.

Getting Back My Focus

As I sit here at the kitchen table, suppose to be working on a research paper (that mind you I haven't even started) my mind is just a racing.  My mind is jumping around several subjects at once, from my uncle and what he is enduring, to house is a wreck, from there it seemed to go to bills, to the melt down my 10 year old had at JCPenney's tonight, to my weight problem then to am I being all to my family/husband that I need to be, and once again to am I failing as a parent? We all have days where between kids melting down, the dishes piled high and not a clean thing in the house, makes us second guess where are focus should be. Someone once told me that there are days you just need to let the housework pile up and take the time to just play. I honestly cannot remember the last time I did that. I am usually rushing home so that I can relieve my mother in law (which is awesome by the way), because she comes straight from a 8 to sometimes 10 hour 3rd shift job and keeps my girls when Brian and I are at work. Once I get home, then its like a marathon most days; get dinner ready, feed the girls, clean the kitchen, pick up around the house. Then at some point before bedtime we will have a meltdown with the older of the two girls,which sadly is a constant battle most day. Then bath time, bed time and then I continue running either school work or some other type of housework that didn't get completed or may not have even got started! By time a stop for a moment some nights its midnight and I just go to bed, all to start over again in 6 hours. There is no wonder I am tired and have bags under my eyes. I can't even seem to find the time to breathe, I am always stressed. I say all of that to say I am completely unfocused on what God has intended for me to focus on. Yes I work full time and go to school full time, but that is not my number one goal in life. God created me and he has saved me more times then I would like to admit some days. I owe him all the glory and well these days that has been real difficult for me to get too.  Some folks would tell me, well you should give up something school or work. Well as much as I would love to stay home full time with my girls, right now is not an option. I have a great support system in my family. I don't think I could take on anything additional at this point. All I need to do is get refocused, put my eyes, heart and life back in God.

I opened my Bible up in the midst of this post and John 14 was what I opened it straight to. I have never fully studied each book of the bible, and John is one I am not familiar with at all. But as I begin to read the verses, they just seemed to work with this post. So enjoy:

John 14: 27-30

"I am leaving you with a gift-- peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really loved me, you would be happy that I am going to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do happen, you will believe. I don't have much more time to talk to you, because the ruler of this world approaches. He has no power over me, but I will do what the Father requires of me, so that the world will know that I love the Father. Come, let's be going."

Now again let me say I have not studied the book of John. But I do know that out of this verse I get this: I have to show the world that I love God, I have to be willing to fail in the world's eyes even if it's only to focus time on my relationship with God. For our Father is coming back one day! And I really think if he had the choice of stepping on toys all over my messy house, or walking in my home and feeling the peace and love for him all around. I would like to think he would choose the later of the two, because he tells us that, the peace he gives to us is one the world cannot give. So are you at peace when your home is in complete order but no solid relationship with God? Or is your life a mess per say, but you have a wonderful relationship with God? Everyone has crazy days, some more then others. But remember to keep God as your focus, and if you do that then the peace he gives us will help us stay focused on the other tasks in our lives. BUT HE HAS TO BE THE CENTRAL OF IT ALL!

Thanks for reading my unorganized post....he he
Hope you enjoyed and just maybe it was encouraging to someone!
The next verse

My Uncle Steve

For those of you that are not aware of the fight my uncle is fighting against cancer, this is a little about it. My uncle had been sick for about a year, had a huge knot in his stomach. He was finally diagnosed with sarcoma. It is a very hard cancer to detect and this particular one is, called soft-tissue sarcoma. He has had 3 surgery's, his last one was back in April of this year and he went to MB Anderson in Houston, TX. He has had a number of chemo and radiation treatments all within the past 2 years this month to date. He had to have a blood transfusion last month because his blood count was low. And this brings me to current day.

Yesterday I got a call from my Aunt, stating my uncle's blood count was extremely LOW. He went to his doctor at The West Clinic here in Memphis and they said he count was 21. For a man the normal is 50's. They sent him to be admitted to the hospital for another blood transfusion. I got off work and meet them at the hospital. He needed 2 to 3 pints of blood, each pint takes about 3 hours. They finally got started on it about 9pm. He did eat pretty good before they begun, which was GOOD. He doesn't eat very well, very few things sit well with him. He went home this morning and was feeling a little better, his color was pinker. But he was very tired. They go to the doctor tomorrow and well get a blood workup, which my aunt says will tell a lot.

We have rallied so many people in prayer chains and requests. Please continue to pray for him. WE NEED A MIRACLE! I have broke down the past week or two more then normal. My faith is strong enough to tell me that God has it under control, but honestly if I hear one more time that God never gives up more then we can handle I will lose it. Now with that said nobody is saying this to be insensitive just the opposite. I know they just are trying to help me feel better. I know this is out of my control and God a Miracle worker and high physician! But my uncle is my big brother. I just want to take his pain and sickness away. We were at the hospital last night and talking about the younger years, the jokes and tender moments.

New to All This

I couldn't sleep tonight too much on my mind. So I came across a few friends who had started blogs to communicate the current news going on in their family. I thought well that would be a great idea. We have family all over and some are harder to keep in touch then others. As much as Facebook has kept us up with family and friends, there really is only so much we would like to share to that whole world! I hope that I can keep this up. But we will see. If anyone has thoughts or ideas to help keep this up, we are open to suggestions.